Thursday, September 27, 2012

Clothing Men Prefer on Women

This post is about clothing that men love to see women wear. In a future post I will write about clothing I love to see men wearing because I have preferences and it's not just about women being appealing to men. I have no problem looking fantastic for my fantastic looking man! Of course you can wear what you want and take the chance that you will meet someone who loves your androgynous style or you may be lucky enough to see someone on a regular basis (e.g., school, work, social group etc.) so that they fall in love with your personality first. For myself, I don't want to take chances and I don't have the same luck so I'm going to put out the bait to attract men and look feminine and respectable while doing so.

I think one has to be cautious about accepting the advice of women who are opposed to other women trying to look good for men. Sometimes I know they just don't want women to get hurt with extreme diets or plastic surgery, feeling shame/sadness if they don't come close to meeting beauty ideals, wearing things that don't make them feel comfortable, or a fear that men will only like them for their looks. But some of these women may have personal issues that are different from yours, they may be very angry with some men in their lives when you haven't had the same experiences, or they may have very different life goals (e.g., not heterosexual, believe in having lots of casual sex, believe in open marriages/relationships, doesn't believe in marriage, want to raise kids alone).

It's even worse when some women advocate not to do certain things when they are the poster women for those very things (e.g., thin women telling overweight women not to lose weight, beautiful women telling less attractive women to not wear makeup, women in relationships telling single women not to do anything to attract a man, women who's parents were married saying marriage doesn't matter, women without children saying women can raise children on their own etc.). It's hard to know what's going on behind the advice especially if a person is really adamant about their views. So to be fair you should really listen to a lot of different opinions and then choose the opinions, actions, or goals that make the most sense and feel the most comfortable to you. This will take time, learning, and introspection. For me, I look to women who are in relationships/married for relationship advice or experts (e.g., relationship counselors, match makers), or even men since I want to live with one of them not another woman. Why is it more enlightened to cave to the fashion industry or trends by buying new clothes every season? I'd rather buy some classic, durable, feminine clothes that I can wear for years that also attract men.

So below are links to information from men and women about what clothing and looks men prefer on women. You can ignore all of this information if you wish :)

  • 5 outfits guys secretly hope you will wear video (I ignored the parts about pants since I never wear them. I'm all for the sexy librarian look. I like simple dresses too)
  • What men want women to wear
  • Here is a link to some interesting commentary on a dating forum where a woman asked "why do men like women to wear dresses/skirts?" I like reading forums sometimes because they show you what a group of people, from who knows where, think about a subject and in this case it is one where men and women are seeking relationships. This is useful if you don't have the time or know enough people to ask their opinions. Notice how negative some of the women are about the topic (e.g., calling men pigs for finding women's legs attractive) and how many have gotten used to just wearing jeans and not doing much about their appearance. I like this quote, "The only good thing about pants on a woman, is seeing the shape of her butt. Otherwise, they look clunky and industrial. Now a dress... accents her curves....and flows when she moves. Poetry in motion."
  • It's almost like a flirty thing. When you wear a dress sometimes men start to fantasize about you in a way they don't with women in pants. Some women may be uncomfortable with the idea of this fantasizing but I like it, and I think it's powerful to be able to attract someone's attention so easily. I just ignore the men who don't interest me and revel in the attention of the one's I like. It's interesting the way some commenters actually said the question was "silly" and that the poster should obviously know that men prefer women in dresses/skirts because they make women look more feminine, accentuate their curves, and make men fantasize, but really I think some women don't know this! Or they know this but they don't care because they are more comfortable in pants or baggy clothes for whatever reason.
  • Interesting website called The Rules Revisited by a man telling women what men want. There was an interesting post called Feminine beauty is highly controllable. The article is basically saying there is a lot your can do to improve your looks if you are willing to put in the effort. 
  • Just because...How to dress like the ladies of Mad Men
  • Clothes guys don't want women to wear (agree)
  • Things women wear that men hate
  • Things men hate that women wear
  • Top 10 styles women love to wear but men hate to see

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Black Women's Thoughts On Femininity

Here are some videos by some Black women who believe in being very feminine :)

Totally agree with this one :)

Another good too by a young woman (she swears a bit though)

Please do not conduct yourself like the woman in this VIDEO (a lot of foul language). No I really don't agree with her except about the BW bashers being jerks. The part about all women needing to be dominated is actually dangerous in my opinion. Her message was totally lost because she made herself look horrible because of the extreme nature of her statements and the way they were delivered full of profanity. If you are criticizing the attractiveness of other people then you had better look and act attractive yourself. She made herself look and sound like the hard, masculine, "I don't need no man", angry Black woman stereotype and people used that to insult and discredit her. You have to seem competent, rational, and credible to deliver certain messages and actually have people listen. 

Bellydance for Femininity, Weight Loss, and Fitness

I'm going to take up bellydancing to improve my feminine movement and allure. I also want to do it for fun, weight loss, and exercise. It will be a hobby and I can actually use some of the moves when I go out dancing.  I have had bellydance fitness tapes for a long time so I'm going to bring those out again. But to start I think I'm going to try some free videos online. I like the movements in belly dance and the costumes. It is so feminine! I spoke about wanting to take up a dance before in Feminine dances I want to learn, Lessons we can learn from Brazilian women, and Instantly improve your posture. I actually went to one session of a ballroom dancing class. But I only went once because the class was full of creepy guys I really didn't want to dance with. So I've decided on a solo dance instead. Maybe in the future I will actually pay to take a real class.

A reader suggested before that I watch some Bollywood films for lessons in femininity. I haven't watched one yet but I watched some videos on YouTube. I do like some of the dance moves because some are very much like belly dance moves. Some of the music is okay, not my favorite (because it's hard to enjoy when I can't understand the words), especially when the women are singing really high. But watch this video of Bollywood music scenes and this VIDEO (so cheesy...well maybe it's a comedy), and Bollywood Ladies video.

Do you see the difference between these videos and the ones by Black women in  R&B, hip hop, and pop videos? All of Ciara's videos, like 'Ride' and 'Oh' come to mind (not ladylike at all...gross). Even though there is some skin showing I still think that the women are not being vulgar or overly sexual. They are being more flirty and mysterious. I'm guessing this is due to a low tolerance for overtly sexual women in their culture (aside from the Kama Sutra lol)? Plus a lot of the time the women are smiling too and that seems to make things less sexual. Hmmm...maybe that's the difference between the sleaziness of strippers when compared to burlesque dancers, there's just something there that's more artistic and less vulgar. For some reason the men in these videos look so corny though! I think this is part of the reason why I'm not a fan of musicals. I just always find the music scenes to be corny and the men look silly. It also really stands out for me now that I don't like mustaches! Maybe some stubble or a really short beard but I am not attracted to mustaches on their own lol.

Well I guess the Indian ones aren't technically music videos. There have been some recent Black musicals like Sparkle, Joyful Noise, and Dreamgirls, but I'm drawing a blank about whether there are any Black musicals like the Bollywood films (my mind may just be asleep). Oh, I think Idlewild was sort of a musical wasn't it? But what about some like the regular musicals where they are not about musicians at all and they just start singing and dancing out of the blue? What would they be like? There are so many Black dance movies but I can't think of the musicals right now. That could be an interesting idea.

I also found a video channel by a Black woman named Tiffany Rothe who has a bunch of short exercise videos (around 10 minutes each) that seem like fun. Any exercise is better than nothing and you can break up your 30 minutes a day into 10 minute segments if that is more convenient. I love making use of free things. I really have no excuse not to use these videos for 10 minutes at a time. Here is a link to her 10 minute beginners ballet video.

This is a Brazilian exercise video. Part II

P.S. This is a totally unrelated topic but I just finished watching the show Suits and I LOVE it! Gina Torres is GORGEOUS on that show and I'm glued to the screen whenever she is on. I just wish she would get some romantic action (I want her and Harvey to start something). Plus Meghan Markle is on the show and she is actually part-Black and is the desired and sought after female on the show. Their wardrobe is totally my style and it's pencil skirts and dresses and feminine tops every episode! Excellent EBW role models in my opinion.

I just started watching Eureka and I'm really liking that too! It's pretty funny and Salli Richardarson-Whitfield is on it and she is so beautiful it's just nuts. I'm just on season 1 but there is romantic tension between her and two men on the show! The woman is 44 and Gina Torres is 43 and they are both so fit but not scary underweight. They are all the motivation I need to keep up my looks and figure. Also Vanessa Williams, Gabrielle Union, and Meghan Good are all coming out with new shows and OMG I think Scandal is starting up next week!!!!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Why are you bothering me about my preferences?

Okay, I am one individual person. I have certain preferences and I have reasons why I think those preferences are great. I have certain goals and reasons why I think those goals are great. I have made certain choices and I have reasons why I think those choices are great. I observe others and I have reasons why I think their preferences, goals, and choices are bad. I can list numerous reasons why I do not value their preferences, goals, and choices. Don't sit there and act like you don't do the same thing!

Sometimes I just like something or dislike something automatically without even thinking, but I am the type to think about my reasons and write about them. I may actually be wrong about my reasons and there may be some unconscious reason for my preferences, goals, and choices. For instance, I may have been socialized to have them and I may be turning into my parents. I may be rewarded for my preferences, goals, and choices so I keep doing the same thing. Whatever the reason is, I don't really care or need your explanation.

One thing I would like commenters on this blog to realize is that although I have my strong preferences, goals, and values I am presenting them here on my personal journal/blog. I do not seek out hip hop blogs and tell them how bad they are and that they should not like their music. I do not seek out high fashion blogs and tell them vintage is better so they should stop posting high fashion photos. I do not seek out those blogs and question why they like what they like. I don't ask them to explain their preferences. I like it when women smile but I do not seek out women online and post comments on their sites asking them to smile. I do not seek out women's blogs where they are wearing masculine clothes to tell them to stop, they look bad, or question their wardrobe. If you seek out blogs just to disagree with them about their personal preferences then you are being a TROLL! I will no longer feed TROLLS!

I do not seek out blogs, websites, and women who CLEARLY have different preferences and values from my own and start questioning them, implying they are stupid, racist, sexist, classist, elitist, brainwashed etc. because of their opinions and preferences. I let them be because I respect their right to think as they wish. But some commenters are doing it to me and I'm asking, no telling you to KNOCK IT OFF! I do not value or enjoy having debates about my personal preferences. I do not enjoy being questioned about them. If you have the same preferences and you want to discuss that fine but I will not be justifying my views. Have different opinions and preferences if you want but don't come here and bother me about mine. Write your own blog or go to blogs that have similar opinions and preferences. If you are a feminist then go to a feminist blog, if you like hip hop go to a hip hop blog, if you like modern fashion go to a modern fashion blog, if you like African fashion then go to an African fashion blog (yes that was for you troll!), if you hate other cultures and races go to a blog about hating other cultures and races.

Some one may come here and post "Well you put your views out here and you enabled comments, so you should have expected some comments would be negative". I do expect some negative comments of disagreement but I now have ZERO TOLERANCE for arguing about my preferences or disrespect. This is a personal journal/blog not "a community" or "safe place to say whatever we want" but there are other sites made for that sort of thing. I am the dictator in this space and I delete comments I don't like so I don't have to look at their ugliness. We can agree to disagree and move on. Your trying to convince me my fashion or behaviour preferences are wrong because of AB and C is a waste of your time and mine and I can not understand why you seem to enjoy it so much. Why not enjoy a blog about things you agree with and like? Why are you such an argumentative person? Others may try to act like discussions are healthy and imply that I have some obligation to discuss things...well I don't. I don't have to answer a question just because someone asks. I don't have to talk with someone just because they want to talk to me. I don't have to post a comment if it irritates me. If you like this blog great, if you don't that's fine too. This blog is one woman's opinion about what she thinks is great and telling other women why she wishes other women were more like her and those she admires. I am not your doctor, therapist, boss, leader, or God so what I say is not law, you don't have to agree, and you absolutely do not have to do anything I advocate. If reading this blog makes you feel pressured to do something you don't want to do the PLEASE STOP READING THIS BLOG.
Gina sends you a farewell kiss. Now hit the road.

A lady stands up for herself and does not allow herself to be disrespected. She does not engage in useless arguments. If she finds that a discussion is causing her to lose her composure then she should be assertive and end that discussion. That is what I am trying to do. So when I state "I am done with this conversation" respect that and move on instead of trying to instigate an argument. There is no reason for it and I'm sure you have better things to do. Any comments of the sort mentioned in this post may be answered with a link to this post and the deletion of further antagonizing comments (I enjoy deleting them too because you spent so long typing them...yes this kitten has claws). I think that this will create a more pleasant environment for everyone involved and at least it will stop me from wasting my time. Comments on this post are closed.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Black Women Must Advertise Their Unique Feminine Features

Those who are familiar with this blog know that I like learning how to be feminine, desirable, and successful by looking at other women (role models or competition, no matter the race), learning what they do that is positive, finding out what other people think of their behaviour, and then incorporating the positive and prized behaviours into my own repertoire. Well I just read an article about How to differentiate from other companies. This really made me think about the reputation and popularity of the current "Black woman model" and what we have to do to make the "New Elegant Black woman model" (EBW) stand out from the competition. Women of other races emphasize their good qualities and it's time Black women do the same!

This video is risque in some parts but there is no denying that these women are BEAUTIFUL! After watching this your perception of Black women's beauty will change. The more media we have like this the better we will feel about ourselves and others will finally notice what they have overlooked!

I think that Black women have some uniquely feminine and attractive features that we need to start using to our advantage in the dating market! There are things that some people have noticed but there is a huge market of people who have no idea of the unique feature we have to offer. Some of this will involve using spin to make some of stereotypical features seem more positive. This will only be useful to women who want to be noticed and approached by men so be warned. Here are the features we need to emphasize and add to our EBW product so that there is higher demand for us as companions:

  1. Full lips are feminine and ours tend to be very full. We could say "You haven't really kissed until you have kissed the luscious lips of a Black woman. Our kisses feel good everywhere (wink wink)." In fact, we could market ourselves as being the best kissers. Full lips are seen as attractive to the mainstream as evidenced by the obsession with Angelina Jolie's lips and the sales of lip injections, plumping lipsticks, and glosses (look for the bright side instead of focusing on the idea that it took a White woman to make full lips appealing to the mainstream. Now your lips are "in"). Most Black women have fuller and nicer lips than Angelina Jolie and they are natural too. Some Black women just refuse to wear any sort of make up, but by not wearing lipstick or lip gloss you are not marketing one of your most appealing feminine features! Taking the time to find a good everyday lipstick and gloss could greatly improve your look (I always wear the same colour because it works on me so I don't waste money on unnatural colours). Never let your lips look chapped or ashy and the least you can do is keep lip balms handy to prevent that. 
  2. Curvy bodies are feminine and many Black women (even the thin ones) have curves. "A Black woman is built like a real woman with curves in all the right places and she really knows how to use them. If you want curves then Black women are the best way to go!" Many in the mainstream now find larger bottoms to be attractive as evidenced by the popularity of Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Biel,  Braziallian models, and Brazillian but lift surgery. Let's use this to our advantage instead of complaining that it took light skinned women to make big bottoms popular (look for the bright side! Now your curves are "in"). Our curves must be emphasized with our clothing at all times. Baggy or ill-fitting clothing hides this important feature we have over the competition (especially Asian women). This is where knowing how to sew would come in handy because then you could adjust your clothes to fit your curves. Obesity is unattractive though so you need to keep your curves firm and healthy looking by exercising and eating healthy. 
  3. We need to market our natural hair as a good thing. For example, "a Black woman has the most delicate and soft hair that is fun to play with and can be worn in many styles". Being soft and delicate is feminine. Keep your hair soft by using a lot of conditioner (I conditioner wash too) and taking good care of your hair. Let people touch it so that they can learn that it is actually soft and fascinating and they will tell other people that it actually feels good. This will be hard for some women but I feel it is so important to correct negative opinions with real experiences with soft, non-greasy, healthy natural hair (it sounds really weird that Black women are the only women who won't let their hair be touched! I have no problem letting friends, family, or dates touch my hair). If you have natural hair have you noticed how surprised people are by the way it feels? This means they did not expect it to feel good and we must correct this! Men need to see playing with our unique hair as a benefit of dating Black women and then they won't use it as an excuse to date non-Black women (men are turned off by untouchable hair). The world has to see that natural Black hair is beautiful, soft, and feminine and not inferior to other women's hair. Men who want to date us will also like knowing that they will be able to touch our hair and that they don't have to go to other races for that feature.  Let them play with your fake hair too, what's the big deal, they know it's fake. 
  4. Our skin must be marketed as a good thing that makes us more appealing than other women. For example, "A Black woman's healthy skin glows and is warm, soft, smooth, and even toned. It is her skin that keeps her looking young and beautiful longer than many other women".  This is a major selling point that we must promote repeatedly! I'm actually hearing many non-Black people saying this now that I'm in my 30s and it really stands out that I look younger than White women my age. This will be very appealing to men because we know that most men prefer younger looking women. He will find it appealing to know that other men will be envious of his younger looking wife/girlfriend.  Keep your skin looking smooth, even-toned, and soft by exfoliating, shaving, and moisturizing (e.g., with cocoa butter to even out skin tone). I also hear that urea creams are good for exfoliation. Use sun screen to prevent skin discoloration and damage. 
  5. Replace the term "strong, independent Black woman" with descriptions that are more appealing. For example, "A Black woman has self-respect and does not engage in the vulgar or masculine behaviours of other women. She is willing to put in the work to get what she needs (including a fulfilling relationship) rather than expecting to be given everything with no effort. She is willing to make things work in her relationships and elsewhere in her life and does the best she can. She is smart and when the times get tough she figures out how to get through and remains loyal to her partner, family and friends". Now doesn't that sound appealing? A consumer would conclude that compared to other women, Black women have more self-respect, they work harder in life, they put more effort into their relationships, and they are more loyal. Another example would be, "A Black woman has a life of her own but makes room for relationships with a partner, family, and friends who are very important to her. She is a modern woman but still values tradition. She has the intelligence and common sense to make sure her basic needs are met but appreciates getting help and being cared for." This just sounds like a competent, intelligent, and useful person to have around instead of the negative stereotypes. 
  6. Here is a way to spin our reputation for being opinionated. "A Black woman loves to have conversations and discuss issues. She is a good listener, honest yet tactful, empathetic, and respectful of differing viewpoints. She will say what she means instead of making you guess. She is knowledgeable about current events and other cultures, and she is open-minded". I have heard several men say that they appreciate not having to guess what Black women are thinking or if they are upset, but of course this must be done with respect and tact to be appreciated. It is up to Black women to work on being knowledgeable and open-minded though. You could be the go-to women about international issues and politics but try to not focus on race all the time because it can be too controversial, argumentative, and depressing. 
  7. Here is a good way to spin our reputation for having an attitude. "A Black woman has a feisty personality and will add some spice to your life (Caribbean and African spice flavors also available lol)". Did you see that spin?  Latina women have used the terms "fiery" and "spicy" to their advantage instead of terms like "crazy" or "quick to anger". This is where I think it is so important that Black women learn to cook, cook well, and (at least occasionally) cook something spicy or delicious for the men they are dating. So many modern women refused to learn how to cook because of feminism. We can use that to our advantage by being known as the ones who can cook! We have all heard that food is the way to a man's heart so why not use that information to our advantage? I personally think that we should play up our exotic factor. Many men do not like the ordinary and we can be the exotic adventure they are looking for. I think Black women could actually make tropical print dresses our signature feminine look all year long in order to look exotic and feminine but different from many other women. Wearing flowers in our hair could also be our thing. We don't want to look too different but we want to have just the right amount of spice to set our product apart from the competition. 
So on top of being an elegant Black woman who is feminine, kind, sweet, intelligent, graceful etc. we can now describe Black women in this positive way. Fight negative propaganda with positive propaganda. This is how you can describe yourself or any EBW:

Well I think that Black women are amazing! Seriously, you haven't really kissed until you have kissed the luscious lips of a Black woman. Our kisses feel good everywhere and there is no comparison. A Black woman is built like a real woman with curves in all the right places and she really knows how to use them. If you want curves then Black women are the best way to go! We also have the most delicate and soft hair that is fun to play with and can be worn in really cool styles no one else can do. A Black woman's healthy skin glows and is warm, soft, smooth, and even toned. It is her skin that keeps her looking young and beautiful longer than many other women. While the rest are looking old an haggard we still look young and beautiful! Black women have self-respect and don't engage in the vulgar or masculine behaviours of other women. We are willing to put in the work to get what we need (including a fulfilling relationship) rather than expecting to be given everything with no effort. We are willing to make things work in our relationships and elsewhere in our lives and we do the best we can. Black women are smart and when the times get tough we figure out how to get through and remain loyal to our partners, families and friends. A Black woman has a life of her own but makes room for relationships with a partner, family, and friends who are very important to her. She is a modern woman but still values tradition. She has the intelligence and common sense to make sure her basic needs are met but appreciates getting help and being cared for. A Black woman loves to have conversations and discuss issues. She is a good listener, honest yet tactful, empathetic, and respectful of differing viewpoints. She will say what she means instead of making you guess. She is knowledgeable about current events and other cultures, and she is open-minded. A Black woman has a feisty personality and will add some spice to your life and being with her will be like taking a trip across the world.
Now that's the type of positive description I want to start hearing about Black women by Black women and those who love them. Spread it around and use it to think positively about yourself. It definitely made me feel good writing it :) You can also read my previous post about the Black Standard of Beauty.

Black women age so well and maintain our youth longer than  most other women. Youth and beauty it highly valued and you will hold on to yours much longer than the rest!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Be a Survivor not a Victim

Definition of a survivor (to survive):

1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere: families that were surviving in tents after the flood.
3. To remain functional or usable: I dropped the radio, but it survived.

1. To live longer than; outlive: She survived her husband by five years.
2. To live, persist, or remain usable through: plants that can survive frosts; a clock that survived a fall.
3. To cope with (a trauma or setback); persevere after: survived child abuse.

Definition of a victim:

1. One who is harmed or killed by another: a victim of a mugging.
2. A living creature slain and offered as a sacrifice during a religious rite.
3. One who is harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition: victims of war.
4. A person who suffers injury, loss, or death as a result of a voluntary undertaking: You are a victim of your own scheming.
5. A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of: the victim of a cruel hoax.

You can choose to be a survivor or a victim. There is a choice. After a while people become tired of victims and expect them to regain power over their lives instead of asking others for help. Most strangers do now want to save you because that would take them away from the things they want to do. They also get tired of the complaints of people who are constantly victims. They get tired because the victims keep doing things that seem unwise to observers. The observers give them advice about how to avoid problems and ways to protect themselves but the victims refuse to listen. They insist that others must change first. Eventually the observers may stop listening to the victims and see them as a lost cause. The initial help and concern one receives for being a victim disappear after a while because people expect you to move on and stop being a victim after a while. They get tired of the same old story especially when they have had their own victimization to deal with and recover from.

On the other hand a survivor only stays a victim for a while and then takes control of their life and learns to survive. Everyone loves survivor stories because they show that even after terrible things happen, people can still find happiness and get back on track with productive lives. They are stories of people who were resilient,  made use of available resources, forgave themselves for mistakes, stopped waiting to be saved, and started working to make their lives better. They are inspiring and show people that others have had it way worse than them and still overcame (so their problems seem minor in comparison). Victims are unable to do this or can not recognize when they are doing this because they remain focused on the past and making the same mistakes. This is why having a victim mentality is dangerous and it is better to have a survivor mentality. Watch out for reading or listening to too many victimization stories, complaints, or rants because they may bring down your mood, make you think life is terrible and hopeless, or make you feel like a victim too.

If you still don't understand the difference between victim and survivor I'm sorry but I can not help you. If you choose to live your entire life as a victim, as I said above, not everyone is going to listen or be concerned especially if you do not take their advice about how to solve your problems. I've posted some articles below but maybe you can find more on your own. Stop bothering me and go bother one of the authors below.

Related Articles:
Survivor vs.Victim: "Being a survivor doesn’t mean you are any less entitled to emotional and physical care. Being a survivor simply means that you are not letting yourself or your life be defined by your assault. Identifying as a survivor is a major step in the healing process."
From victim to survivor to thriver (excellent MUST READ)
How to survive a personal crisis
How to be a survivor
For a nation of whiners, therapists try tough love
How to develop survivor resiliency

Similar opinions:
Victim mentality 1 (Excellent)
Victim mentality 2 (very good) "The problem with victim mentality is that it is very often rooted in a real situation where you were slammed by unfortunate circumstances, or you were done wrong by another. But that time is long since dead and gone; yet you have chosen to respond to all obstacles in your path or all misunderstandings or disagreements between you and another in the context of that dead and gone time. Thus, you have become delusional."
Victim mentality 3 (from a psychiatrist no less) "Interacting with this type of person can cause you to be irritated or drained, and will make you want to avoid them"'re telling me....
Victim mentality 4

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Why Do I Care So Much About Attracting a Man?

For some women in this world the biggest achievement in their lives will be owning a successful company, getting a specific degree, earning an obscene amount of money, winning a prestigious award, owning a huge house, or being a leader in their given field. These women prioritize money, fame, and power. For me, all of those things are just a means to an end and I want to be successful and wealthy to provide for my family and for future generations of my family. So for me, having a happy and healthy family is the most important goal in my life and all of my other goals were working towards that. I am not one of those women who is unsure if they want to have a husband or children. I have wanted those things since probably the fourth grade. I have no interest whatsoever in living alone or with a female roomate for the rest of my life. I have no interest in going from man to man and always feeling insecure because they could leave me at any moment. I have no interest in doing all this work only to die alone in some care facility with no children. I did not work so hard just for myself, I did it to provide for a future family. Do you know that there are some species that die right after mating or giving birth? That was their whole purpose for living. Yes there are other fulfilling things we can do to enjoy our long lives but we were created to reproduce.

I believe that when you make a child that is the greatest creation and act you will ever achieve in your lifetime. I'm just remembering a part in the movie Prometheus (SPOILER ALERT) (brilliant film) where a male scientist said that any moron could create life so it was no big deal. Then the female scientist reminded him that she was unable to conceive a child. Although so many species and people can create life without even trying many can not or their offspring is unhealthy or do not survive! If they can not procreate then their genetic material dies with them. If they do not have children then they can not pass on their teachings about how to survive and adapt that helped them to become successful, or they will pass them on to other people's children. Other people's children will benefit while the teacher's line dies out. From a genetic standpoint, not passing on your genes is a failure that many can't help and a successful and healthy person not passing on there genes is a waste. There are way too many people with serious adaptation problems and negative traits bringing multiple children into the world who they barely care for. Leaving them to be the only reproducers would not be beneficial to society. I'm sorry, but if I can have my own baby there is no way I would choose to not do so and care for one of those children instead. Those children are not my responsibility and I did not work so hard just to take care of an irresponsible person's offspring. I want my own to raise the best I can. They do not deserve children more than I do.

In order to produce and raise the best children I can, I believe that I have to attract, have a relationship, marry, have children, and raise those children with the best man I can find. I will not have a child with just anyone. I will keep myself healthy and I want someone healthy. I want someone who can provide financially for the child so we can have two incomes. I believe nowadays that is like insurance so that if one of us loses a job, becomes ill, or even dies then the other partner is able to provide. I want someone who has qualities that might make them a good parent so I don't want someone who is abusive, has a criminal past, has substance abuse problems, makes bad decisions, does not commit to anything, does not care for others, and does not take responsibility for things. I want someone intelligent enough to learn how to be a good parent and care for children. I want someone with enough self-respect and fear of shame so that they could never accept being a bad parent or abandoning their child. I want someone with enough emotional intelligence to maintain a marriage and keep a family together. This means I have to choose a man wisely and not just take whoever comes along.

Because of all of these reasons, attracting, choosing, and marrying a man is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life right now and this decision will affect me and my children for the rest of our lives. Jobs can come and go but that man will always be my children's father. If he disappears it could negatively affect my children for the rest of their lives but if I lost my job they may barely even notice or remember what I did for a living. They will adjust to living in a new house if we move, going to a new school, getting a new car...but a new father? I would rather make the choice of husband and father of my children only once and I refuse to accept the casual attitudes some people have today about marriage and bringing children into this world. I am not like those people and anyone who endorses those views has different values and priorities from mine. I may not be able to take much of their advice seriously because it may go against my values. This is the reason for some of my negative views about feminism and "the black community" since they sometimes advocate that marriage is antiquated and women can just have and raise children on their own. I will have children no matter what but I am going to make every effort to make sure they have a father to raise them. I don't care if I can raise a child on my own, I DON'T WANT TO! I don't care if other women do it and their kids turn out okay, I DON'T WANT TO. I don't care if marriage was created by patriarchy to oppress women, I STILL WANT ONE because it still has benefits I WANT TO HAVE.

So if I make some decisions, dress, speak, style my hair, choose my hobbies, go out to events, and improve myself to get a man so what? It is the most important goal in my life! Plus I am acting and dressing in socially approved and respectable ways that can benefit me in other aspects of my life. I made decisions, dressed, and acted in a certain way to achieve my degree (goal accomplished) and I will do the same to get and keep a job (current goal). I will have to do the same to get a man...why would I put in less effort to achieve the more important goal? Other women can go ahead and put their careers first but family is first for me. Women who put their careers first will never understand women like me and I must take their advice with caution because the same advice that brings them happiness could sabotage my goals. Yes, yes, yes things might not go as planned but at least I'm going to try and know I did the best I could!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Why Do Men Like Naughty Traditional Roles?

This is just me trying to understand gender roles and relationships again related to my 'Lessons we can Learn' series. I'm also thinking about Halloween lol! Well I believe that there are actually some really cute Western fashions. Like most highly feminine outfits, men fantasize about women wearing these items! They especially like it when women wear tight and short outfits and behave in a somewhat naughty manner. I'll link to some examples but these are not suitable for The naughty cheerleader, school girl (sometimes gross), ballerina, stewardess, French maid, secretary, nurse, babysitter, waitress, teacher, librarian, or even princess (real or fictional, prom queen, beauty queen etc.) comes to mind, perhaps even Barbie. The only masculine type of fantasy role would be the female boss or police officer who dominates the man while wearing a short and tight outfit lol. What is it about these roles that men find so attractive? Is it the case that women in some of these roles are more desirable to men and therefore more likely to marry or be in relationships? Are they more likely to be sexually harassed?

Well let's look at some common factors.
Nurturing and caring: The fantasy maid, stewardess, babysitter, nurse, secretary, teacher, and waitress may be fantasies because they care for men's needs, usually know what men need without being asked, provide good things so the men don't have to do it themselves (e.g., cleaning, child care, health care, office work, information, or food), and often do so with a smile. Maybe they are looking for someone just like mom? Perhaps it's a classical conditioning thing and when they see women in these roles or costumes pleasant feelings and memories are triggered?
Subservient/Dominant yet feminine: I would say that in French maid, babysitter, stewardess, nurse, secretary, and waitress roles the women are subservient to men except perhaps the teacher (though they are often subservient to a male principal). I don't think that men are intimidated by these roles and they may think that these women have qualities that would make them good wives and mothers. In the past (and some in the present) the women would wear cute, feminine outfits that have now been replaced with androgynous ones either for equality or because they are more practical/comfortable for the women. It may also be because of sexual harassment because we have all probably seen a show/movie where a nurse, secretary etc. was pinched on the bottom and harassed. On the other hand, sometimes these roles can be dominant and some men like that fantasy. For instance the uptight boss, disciplinary teacher, strict babysitter, female cop, or no-nonsense nurse. These roles do have some authority.
Familiarity: Many men and women are used to seeing women in these roles so when they think of women they think of these occupations. As children/teenagers, men may have lived with maids, had babysitters, seen a nurse, and had many female teachers who they fantasized about. Men are used to seeing waitresses whenever they eat in public. In the past the female secretary may have been the only woman in a workplace. So when men think of their dream woman she may take on one of these familiar roles. In some cases (e.g., restaurants) women are hired for their looks and the better looking hostesses and waitresses get better tips. Due to socialization and life experiences I think most men don't fantasize about naughty accountants, mechanics (perhaps), gym teachers, or engineers (I'm not saying don't go into those professions just because men don't fantasize about them).
Trophy wife/girlfriend: I think that princesses, beauty queens/prom queens, ballerinas, and Barbies are desirable because they are seen as beautiful trophies. Physically they are highly beautiful and feminine and appear to be ideal women. These are highly sought after and sometimes public figures that men want to possess and show off to others. A real princess is a member of royalty and therefore different from other women. Beauty queens and prom queens are the winners of beauty, talent, and popularity contests. Ballerinas perform on stage and work hard for lead roles. Women who look like Barbies appear to conform to a rare and unattainable beauty ideal. There are many women who dye their hair blonds and quite a few who have had surgery or dress/wear makeup to look like Barbie. Actually when you think about it, a man who has a woman who cooks and cleans for him would probably brag about that too!
Feminine outfits: I think that men like women in short, tight, feminine uniforms and women know it. That is why on Halloween you will often see women dressed as school girls, nurses, maids etc. These are also costumes that women sometimes wear for their men in the bedroom when they may do something totally different for work. It's interesting that in Japan women dress up as maids and there are maid restaurants where women in the frilly costumes serve customers.

I think that this list says a few things that many of us already know about men. They like women who are nurturing and caring, subservient in most cases, beautiful, and dressed well in a feminine manner. They also look for women like those they are familiar with such as Mom, past crushes, and fantasy figures. Well personally I love French maid uniforms but I would be uncomfortable wearing one to work with strangers. For many of the old uniforms it probably wasn't practical or comfortable wearing a short skirt and having to bend over all the time. I still think they are cute costumes sometimes. But as usual, many of the costumes are too sexy and revealing instead of cute and sweet like the traditional costumes.

I'm not endorsing going into any of the professions mentioned just to be attractive to men. So instead of taking on the roles maybe we should nurture some of their traits in ourselves. We can try to be more caring and nurturing by being supportive and doing nice things. Occasionally get over your fear of ever cleaning or serving anyone (you don't have to do it all the time). Dress up when you go out with your man so he will show you off. Wear things that he finds attractive that are also comfortable and appropriate. Play around with being submissive or dominant and find a balance that works (that's all I'm going to say about that and I don't mean that freaky, kinky stuff).

Lastly, before getting up in arms about having to do anything to "please a man" or be a man's fantasy think about your fantasy man. Do you have things you want him to do to please you (e.g., surprise you with thoughtful gifts and romantic gestures)? Are you attracted to men in certain roles or uniforms (e.g., three piece suit...swoon)? Are you attracted only to men who treat you or make you feel a certain way (like a beautiful treasure)? Is there a certain type of man you would brag about and show off to your friends (a good looking prestigious man)? If so, then you have fantasies that men have to live up to as well. BUT personally I'm not interested in a man who expects me to obey him like he's my boss or father...I would resent that too much to tolerate it. We have to treat each other like adults with equally valid goals, thoughts, and opinions. A little fantasy and role play is fine but it's just play.

Related Articles:
Causes of sexual harassment (so basically women can be harassed in traditional and non-traditional roles but in the non-traditional roles they may earn more)
Men want women to be more traditional and women are happy to be the housewife (interesting, just stating what people want and think, time to face reality)
Men prefer subordinate women for long term relationships (oh...)

Lessons we can Learn from Cheerleaders

I haven't done a "Lessons we can Learn" post in a while so here goes. I think that there are some lessons we can learn from cheerleaders! There is something about cheerleaders than drives men crazy and draws the envy of other women. There is a reason why cheerleaders are featured in so many films and even music videos. This begs the question, why? Being a cheerleader is a very feminine thing and unfortunately men are often ridiculed when they become cheerleaders. Some people see the cheerleading as being sexist but it has actually become a sport in itself with it's own competitions and awards. We can think of cheering games as simply practice for competitions instead of standing on the sidelines where the real athletes perform. I read somewhere that cheerleading is possibly the most dangerous of high school sports so I don't know if I would want my future daughter to participate in it, or in gymnastics though.

I think that nowadays the uniforms are too revealing and I prefer the image of the vintage cheerleader with longer skirts and no midriff showing. I don't think high school cheerleading is a big deal in Canada but our professional teams have them too so maybe the professional cheerleaders learned it in school. Perhaps they even get scholarships. Either way they are feminine icons in North America. Here are some movies/shows/videos featuring cheerleaders (or a cheerleader): the Bring it On series, Fired Up, Sugar and Spice, Man of the House, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Mean Girls, Sixteen Candles, Lucas, Death Proof, Can't Buy me Love, John Tucker Must Die, American Beauty, Jawbreaker, Not Another Teen Movie, Jennifer's Body (and most teen horror films), Starsky & Hutch, Saved by the Bell, Sweet Valley High, Beverly Hills 90210, Carrie, and Britney Spears' Baby Hit me One More Time video and Hey Mickey...that's a lot! Here are some lessons we can learn from cheerleaders based on their public appearance (in private they may be quite different...mean and trashy according to many of these films lol):

  1. Be cheerful at social gatherings: Cheerleaders smile and present themselves as happy, friendly, and enthusiastic people. While performing they do not mean mug and they make sure to present themselves in a positive manner. They know that everyone is watching so they are sure to make a good impression that will not bring shame to their school/team.  Be sure to do the same for yourself at any social gathering, networking event, or interview. Just as they are ambassadors for their schools/teams you are an ambassador for your school, family, and employers and you are only doing yourself harm if you make a bad impression. 
  2. Make friends and network: Cheerleaders tend to be very popular. This may be because they are visible at sporting events, they wear identifiable uniforms, they tend to be attractive, and men desire them. Because of this people know who they are and want to be their friends/dates. Chances are you are not a cheerleader but you can still make an effort to be social, go to social and networking events, be a good friend, and try to meet new people. Good friends will bring you happiness but avoid and cut off ties with those who make your life difficult (don't keep frenemies). Good friends and acquaintances may help you with many aspects of your life (e.g., job opportunities, references, mentoring, unique opportunities, introductions, and entrance to their social circles). 
  3. Be supportive of your family, friends, and partners: Cheerleaders encourage their team so that the team can do it's best. You can be a cheerleader for your family, friends, and your man. I can't think of anyone who doesn't appreciate encouragement and support for their goals or difficult things they need to do. You can be that person who others go to for support. Try to encourage your loved ones instead of tearing them down and competing with them (especially your man). Be a good team member so that group goals can be achieved. This will make you a valuable person in the lives of others and make them want to spend time with you. Hopefully they will return the favor when you need support. 
  4. Exercise and be physically fit: Cheerleaders must be in excellent physical shape and they are constantly training and eating healthy (they may go to extremes so avoid that). No matter what anyone says being too overweight or obese will never be accepted in cheerleading. These women are considered to be highly attractive to most people and they tend to be slim and participate in regular physical activity. They try to adhere to standards of beauty and to many they are the standard.
  5. Wear cute clothing and accessories: Vintage cheerleader outfits are adorable! I love the pleated skirts, pompoms, v-neck sweaters, and hair bows. Even adult women can wear hair bows (e.g., around a ponytail), pleated skirts, and v-neck sweaters. You can also find pompoms on hair accessories, pens, and sweaters. Cheerleaders tend to be feminine role models for others and they take pride in their appearance. They do not want to be seen looking bad.
  6. Have a life: Cheerleading is a sport in itself not just something revolving around men's activities. Because cheerleaders tend to be popular they have active social lives outside of school. To be a well-rounded person you need to have your own life. Find some hobbies, figure out what interests you, set some goals and spend time working on them. Find something to do with your days instead of just watching TV or surfing the Internet. If you are in school find some extracurricular activities. You may actually enjoy them and they will look good on school and job applications. 
Here are some of my past Lessons we can Learn posts. These are posts that look for positive things we can learn from stereotypical female icons that are sometimes viewed as only negative:

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I Will Never Be Ashamed of My Personal Goals

Sometimes you have have to laugh at how much you underestimate yourself. I was looking at and then I read another good article on Pick the Brain about How to Create Your Self-Improvement Plan. It just made me laugh because 43Things is a site where over 3 million people set goals to either improve themselves, experience something (that they feel will make them happy thus improving their life), or learn something (that again will make them happy in some way improving their lives). People vary in what they set as goals but the point is that they have things they want to achieve and they are not just sitting back and waiting for life to happen! They decide on the type of person and the type of experiences they want and take steps to achieve their goals. This is NORMAL. People who have no goals or just let life happen to them are, in my opinion, abnormal or so burdened or preoccupied that they don't have the option of making personal goals. I'm highly doubtful though that those people don't have dreams and aspirations they would attempt if they had the chance.

Just take a look at the site and look at all the various goals people want to achieve. They range from 'visiting New Zealand' and 'learning to draw Manga' to 'earning $100,000 a year' and 'completing a triathlon'. Some goals are trivial like 'learning to make tamales', some are admirable like 'appreciate my parents', and others are really high aspirations like 'save a life'. So when people look at my goal to be more feminine, have excellent manners (better than average), carry myself like a lady, get married to a prestigious man, have children etc. I just have to laugh because not only do other people share these goals, but they are not as trivial or strange and many I've seen! Plus, I don't think those with trivial goals are bad people, ignorant, self-hating, vapid etc. because they usually have some substantial goals along with the trivial ones and they may have already achieved more meaningful things. People having different goals, interests, likes, dislikes, and opinions is what makes the world interesting!

The blog and becoming an EBW is a hobby that could actually benefit my social interactions and improve my appearance but I have other goals and interests. This is no different from someone who wants to lose weight, fix their teeth, learn another language, grow their hair long, get a tattoo etc. which are all unnecessary things but the individual believes they will bring some benefit. These people could listen to the advice "you are good just the way you are", "you are trying to be something you aren't", "your willingness to change shows you hate yourself and think you are inferior" but most people don't have such attitudes about self-improvement, trying new things, or making personal changes. Who cares if it isn't hurting anyone? Unless that person has a lot of power over others and their personal goals somehow hurt those people, or they are actually harming the individual (in that case they will probably stop without you lol), an individuals interests shouldn't bother anyone.

It makes me wonder about those who are so opposed...have they never tried to change themselves in any way? Don't they have any goals? Why is my hobby and interest so offensive to you compared to others? I think the problem is that such critics are not putting things in perspective and they are exaggerating the importance of goals like mine. It's as though they imagine every woman will suddenly do what I'm doing, they will be forced to conform, and then the world will end because it's just so horrible! Some goals are serious and could harm the individual and the public, but my goals are not like that at all! I know this because no one in my real life has a problem with it and no one has complained (I get compliments actually). You see, I like certain things a certain way and it would be great if more people would do things that way. But doesn't everyone feel that way about some things? For example, many people say they wish others were nicer, more responsible, more hardworking, more appreciative, less racist, less lazy, took better care of themselves, less serious, more involved etc because they believe that would make life better for them and others. I don't need EVERYONE to be the same either and there is no way I could enforce that anyway so why worry about it?

My point is that people should relax and not get worked up over other people's goals, interests, self-improvement goals, and desires for people to be a certain way unless these goals are actually harmful to the individual and society. Wishing that more women wore 50s (or any style) style dresses because they are pretty is not harmful but wishing and promoting the sexual assault of women who dress differently is harmful. Wishing and advocating that people show better manners is not harmful but advocating that women or children be beaten for not doing so is harmful. Saying you admire someone for reasons A, B, and C is not harmful and there is something wrong if one can never see the good in others, or see some people as all good or all bad. Relax and keep things in perspective. Maybe you need to focus more on making and achieving your own goals rather than focusing on the interests of others. I will never justify my blog or my interests to anyone ever again.

Well for everything someone likes there will be someone who absolutely hates it. These articles actually make me laugh but some people hate vintage fashion as much as I hate modern fashion lol!
Why I hate vintage clothing fashion
5 lies women who wear vintage dresses tell (lol bitter much?)

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Time for some New Blogs!

Well it's time to start reading some new blogs to see what I've been missing! I've become tired of the same old thing. I'm saying goodbye to some (notably Clutch and Madame Noire that I stopped reading because they break up their posts in the most annoying way and post automatically playing videos) and I'm going to start reading some that are entertaining, positive, intelligent, and helpful to my life. I actually stopped watching TMZ so my knowledge of celebrity happenings is nil and I don't really miss it. I already really like some of the sites but others I'm going to give a chance and discard them if they don't pan out. So I'll be changing some of my links in the side bar too. Activism or outrage sites definitely won't be on my reading list.

  • I've found two new feminine Black women sites called The Feminine Black Woman and Black and Feminine and I'm so happy to see them! 
  • I'm going to give Hello Beautiful a chance but I don't like that there is so much talk about rappers and the Kardashians so I doubt this one will last. I just need a general Black woman's fashion/entertainment/relationship blog that is written intelligently. I'll skip Black Voices on Huffington Post because it looks like too much controversy and racism talk but I'll start reading Huffington to keep up to date with Canadian issues. This would give me plenty of things to talk about with people and it's about things that could actually affect me. I'm really liking Hooking up Smart for talk about relationships with a pro-woman, non-radical feminist viewpoint. 
  • I already really enjoy the Positivity BlogZen HabitsPick The, and Life Hack because they have great advice and reminders about how to improve one's life. These sites are useful reading rather than just reading for entertainment. 
  • I'm going to read Black Girl with Long Hair more often just to see the beautiful hair photos and I'll visit Curly Nikki more too. Maybe I'll come up with a natural hair role model for myself :). 
  • I'm going to visit Spark more often because fitness and getting in tip top shape has to be a priority. 
  • Boy are there a lot of vintage fashion blogs! Well I'm going to visit Mrs. O more often since she is my #1 fashion role model. I'm going to give Adored Vintage and Couture Allure Vintage Fashion Blog a shot, and I'll put Denise Brain, and Real Vintage on the waiting list. 
  • I'm going to start visiting 43Things again to keep track of my life goals and motivate myself. 
  • I also really like doing the puzzles on Puzzler's Paradise and sometimes, if I screw one up I could waste an hour on one!
  • I really have to step away from the computer and finish reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus and other things rather than the internet. I have to get motivated to read books again, I don't know why I'd rather read stuff online. Sometimes reading a book just seems like school and no fun. 

Young People...Sigh...

This is just about my thoughts. No need to comment :)

I'm 33. I obtained the highest degree one can get and it was hard work. I have studied human behaviour in more depth than most. Yet I still know that there are so many things I need to learn. I know that what is right in one situation may be very wrong in another. I know that people operate based on their past experiences and knowledge that can vary greatly from my own. I know that sometimes my thoughts and actions are wise while sometimes they are not. No one is perfect and no one knows everything.

The thing is, a lot of young people don't seem to think that way! I think that because I am not that young a lady anymore, I can see it. But I wasn't like a lot of other young people growing up either (maybe I don't remember lol). Maybe because I was never like that I am the way I am and I've done well for myself when compared to the people I grew up with. Well once I have the husband and kids I will have achieved my life I'm so close!  I was always cautious, weighed the pros and cons, and I always left room for the possibility that I was wrong, misinterpreting things, or missing something. Why are some people so different? I actually know someone like that who just states her opinion about what I should do, or what's going on in my life, when she barely knows me. She just says "he's just not that into you" with no tact at all. Or "young guys are awful, you won't be happy unless you go for older guys" and cuts me off when I say anything positive about younger men. She tells me "don't buy that because my sister read an article about it" and discounts all the articles I have read to the contrary because she "knows".

I wonder what that's like to always think "I know", "I'm right", and "other people don't know what they're talking about", and "that person is biased and making it personal while I am perfectly objective". Did their parents teach them that? Is it just some people's personality? Is that a coping/defense mechanism? Or is it youth (well the woman I was talking about before was my age but we studied different things. She is very opinionated and she isn't Black either). Back to the young people... I think I have always observed them with puzzlement even when I was young. I wondered what was wrong with them when they smoked, did drugs, got into fights, picked on others, skipped school, didn't do school work etc. I'm guessing there was something wrong that I didn't know about that they hid very well. I wondered why they didn't think ahead about the long term consequences of their actions or the possibility that they made a horrible choice. Based on some of the mistakes I made with boys I know I was like those young people in some ways but in a lot of ways I was not. I didn't take things as far as they did to fit in and even though I was often miserable my home life was probably not as bad as theirs. Maybe it's because I always tended to look at the bigger picture, see things in the long term, and delayed gratification. There were things I wanted more than being popular, getting attention, being right, putting people in their place, or proving a point. I knew that those people mattered at the moment but they wouldn't be around once I finished high school. So when they were out partying and getting into trouble I stayed home, went out with friends and came home at night, and I studied.

Where is this going with this...I guess I was just thinking I didn't get most young people then and I don't get them now so why engage with them? Yes they may have new and innovative ideas, fresh eyes, or even highly intelligent thoughts, but is there wisdom behind that? For example, I was talking to this guy once who wanted to use an old song in the chorus of a new song he was writing. I told him that had already been done and played the video for him. He was 22 so he didn't know. The young people I talk to don't know what I know or that many of the things I think are based on research and courses I have taken. So to people with a similar background (unlike the young person) what I'm saying makes sense and fits with the thinking of people who actually write the books on effective thinking! Do young people know what they are talking about? It reminds me of the post I did about something sounding good theoretically but not working at all when put into practice. Young people have a lot of ideas but they don't have the experience or wisdom to know if their theories will actually work. When they look back on their behaviour and opinions with wise eyes they will better see where they were misguided and made poor choices. I mean what grown woman takes someone 10 years younger seriously? That statement could get young people up in arms saying "I have a right to be heard and taken seriously", "My thoughts are just as important as anyone else's". Those objections would be valid if I was your coworker, on a committee with you, representing you in government, working with you in a social or activist group or some other collective activity, or if you were a client telling me what you need. It would also be true if you were trained in a field and published or presented work based on a body of shared research. But outside of that I'm really not obligated to take you seriously especially when I don't have the power (or desire) to do something about your concern.

Do I really have anything to learn from you? Be open and bombarded with potential nonsense or be closed minded to alternate views? Be ageist and assume young people have nothing worth listening to or be open and respect that they may have intelligent ideas or be right sometimes? Decisions, decisions...I think when it comes to taking advice or having discussions I will entertain the ideas of people who have expertise or special knowledge of the issue (e.g., medicine, business, finances, fitness, politics, car repair, nutrition, shopping locations, maybe parenting etc.) because those people may actually be younger than myself. I'm the science type and I trust experts, degrees, and specialized training over the advice of laypeople with "street knowledge" (unless we are talking about how to survive on the street lol). I think the opinions of such people should always be listened to over the speculation of others who are far removed from the situation with no specialized training. For any other issues (e.g.,subjective things like how to live life, what to do with my life, how to act etc.) I think it would be unwise to listen to people 10 years younger than myself. Seriously, what 33 year old person would take advice from a 23 year old about dating, fashion, beauty, life goals, values etc? Why would I take their advice over that of someone my age or older? I think that is the most important point, when choosing to take the advice of someone 23 versus someone 33 I would prefer listening to the person who is 33. Conversations are fine and all but when it comes to advice, evaluating my life, telling me what I should or should not do I should stick to listening to my peers. I feel confident that I know better than younger women about most things so there's no need to worry about them.

P.S. This site called The Problem With Young People Today is so funny! The list of problems with young people is hilarious!
Oooo good article about dealing with people who think they know it all. Maybe the article, people who act like they know it all lack humility. That's against my nature but some people just don't have it.
How to handle the think they know it alls
How to deal with people who think they know everything
Another how to deal with people who think they know everything
How to deal with impossible people (really good actually)

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Social Comparisons are Torture for the Hopeless

This post is somewhat related to an excellent post on the Feminine Black Woman called What's Wrong with Social Climbing. How does one come to the decision that they can and should do better? I think this drive may come out of necessity if one's living conditions are unpleasant (e.g., one is fed up with having no money and living in a bad neighborhood). They compare themselves to those who have enough money and live in better neighborhoods and do what is necessary to achieve those goals.

For others (who really aren't doing badly) it's merely seeing what others have and wanting it for themselves. This involves comparing one's own state to that of others--social comparison. There are plenty of articles and advice about not comparing oneself to others but this is meant to help people to not feel bad about themselves. They advise to not compete or pay attention to others because you may feel bad and fail to ever achieve what the others have (social comparison can lead to negative envy if one is not careful). You will hear things like "money doesn't buy happiness" when money pays for food, shelter, clothing, education, and health care. Or "the grass always looks greener on the other side" while there are statistics and everyday examples of people living better or worse lives than others. Or "never change yourself to meet someone else's expectations" and "you are good enough just the way you are" even though we strive to meet expectations in school and on the job where those who don't meet the expectations are failed, expelled, paid less, or fired. For some people, they are hopeless about becoming like those they admire so they protect their self-esteem by not making comparisons (if you need to do this to function then keep doing it). This is a coping mechanism as I wrote about in a previous post. Some people have blinders on and pretend (or actually believe) that they know it all and never need to ask or look to anyone about how to be the best they can be. But they can fall into the trap of thinking they are WAY better than they actually are as I wrote about in the past. They are not high-achievers.

Sometimes this coping/defense mechanism works so well that the people using it will point to those making social comparisons and say that they have low self-esteem, think they are inferior, and think others are better than them! Any time someone compares themselves to another person or group that individual is accused of feeling inferior! But let me ask you this, when a thief steals a car does that mean he thinks the car owners are better than him? I think he just wants what they have...that car! I can want what someone else has and think I am better than them, they are the worst people in the world, I don't want to be like them on the inside or outside, and I deserve what they have more than they do. I just want something they have whether it is deserved or not. You must separate wanting the status, privileges, and possessions of other people from wanting TO BE other people. I would gladly receive all of Paris Hilton's possessions and be a hotel heiress but I don't like her or want to be her! Don't tell me for a second that Black people don't want what White people have because that was the whole point of Civil Rights and Equal Rights movements, asking for better housing and schools, justice, and asking for an end to racism. The point was/is to have the same rights, freedoms, safety, opportunities, and treatment that White people have! The problem my blog trolls have is envy because they actually do want what White women and Asian women have but they also resent these women and transfer that hate to Black women like myself. Don't hate the player, hate the game! Unlike you though, I think playing is better than sitting out and winning nothing. These trolls want to be prized and cherished for merely existing and doing whatever undesirable things they choose instead of doing what is prized by most people.

I'm wondering though how people imagine it is possible to be a high achiever without making social comparisons? How does an athlete train to be the best if they do not pay attention to the performance of past and present competitors? How does a company strive to make the best computer if they do not examine the products of the competition? How does a student strive for an A+ without knowing what A+ work looks like? How does one know how to lead without looking at other leaders for examples (or read theories and books about leadership written by people who studied leaders)? How does one win a competition if they pay no attention to what the competition is doing? I think this just highlights the difference between: A) those who have the drive to compete, versus B) those who don't and can only use their energy to barely get by and convince themselves that their lives are great. So before you make a troll comment ask yourself if you are in category B and have no understanding or desire to do what it takes to be in category A. People like myself in category A do not listen to advice from those in category B because you can only teach us how not to achieve the best. You should not read posts about social comparisons because your self-esteem can not handle it and it makes you feel bad. When you feel bad you lash out at the authors and project your lack of self-esteem onto them! (as you can tell these people annoy me because they are very vocal and rude). Read THIS POST to determine if you are an A or B.

So this leads to the questions pertinent to this can one learn to be feminine without looking at others who are highly feminine? How can one learn to be a prized and cherished woman without looking at those who are prized and cherished? Whenever I do a post using Asian women as the example some troll comes along and says "don't you see you are boosting them up with this post", "you think that Black women are inferior to Asian women", "you have low self-esteem and think Asian women are better than you", or "there is something wrong with you because you compare yourself to Asian and White women" etc. I think actually you are the one with the problem because your self-esteem takes a hit whenever Black women are compared to other groups. My self-esteem is in-tact before and after those posts because I don't think Asian or White women are better, they have just been dealt a better hand, and they made better plays. But now that I am in the game, despite the bad hand, I can win and have won many games. I think I can become just as good a "player" as they are so to me, their status is attainable. Maybe not for all Black women, but for me I know it is. I do not believe I have to have pale skin, blue eyes, Asian eyes, straight blonde hair, or petite bone structure to achieve the status I want either (as I wrote about in my Black standard of beauty post).  So no I do not want to be a White or Asian woman and just like the car thief...I just want the prized status and options they have, nothing more. If you want to know why I single out Asian women, I wrote about that a while ago in THIS POST if you must know but I doubt you can handle it.

Related Articles:
How to learn from competition: AMAZING!!! Read this article! This is about business like most articles about studying the competition (or sports). I want you to read this article and just imagine that what you are selling is your companionship/employee services as a Black woman while others are selling companionship/employee services of Asian or White women. I have done as the article explains: figure out who the competition is (White and Asian women where I live), find out what they are doing differently (being more traditionally feminine), find out what other people are saying about the competition (they are more feminine and that is highly desirable), and then decide whether or not to incorporate the competitions features into your product. I have also done the same examination with Black women to identify EBWs (e.g., other Black women are competition/role models, they are more feminine yet successful, they are the most desired, respected, and successful Black women). This was intuitive to me being that I've always had to compete but this may be foreign to others, especially those who do not think they are in competition. Once again, this is common sense! I have to include this quote:
"When you view your competitor as a villain, you assume you are the savior. You think everything you do is right and everything they do is wrong (smells like victim mentality...). This kind of mindset will prevent you from doing the right things at the right time (e.g., rejecting education, speaking well, or good manners by calling that "Acting White" and therefore wrong). You may not be able to keep an open mind when you see them doing something different because you will assume it is wrong." BINGO!
Comparing yourself to others: It's not all bad

How do I study my competition?
"Knowing the competition is cruicial to the success of any business.
1)Gathering a solid base of information is the first step to creating a strong competitive analysis.
2)The next step is analyzing the information and using it to your advantage. List the strengths and weaknesses of each competitor.
3)Then look for areas where you cannot compete and areas where you can provide something that others cannot."

Leila Lopes, Miss Universe 2011 made herself into a
highly prized and cherished EBW. She competed with
White, Asian and many other women to be the best...
and SHE WON! She knew her competition and strove to